End of the World

My End of the World Journal:

Okay, first, what time is this going to start? I need to pop some popcorn. I also need at least a few moments to confess all of my sins and beg for forgiveness, so as not to be Left Behind. The timing is important, but very confusing. Some say this will happen at 6 p.m. Greenwich Mean Time. I don’t know anything about Greenwich Mean Time other than the fact that I have seen references to that a couple times during my stay here on Earth.

I am told that 6 p.m. Greenwich Mean Time on 5/21/11 will be 6 p.m. Central Standard time today, 5/20/11.

Well, it’s 9:50 p.m. on 5/20/11 here in the U.S. Midwest, where we use CST. Alright, maybe the doomsayer guy is using Pacific Standard Time and date, since he’s from California. Oh, and is Daylight Saving Time a consideration? I’m so confused!

Okay, never mind the popcorn dilemma. I can pop it now and vacuum-seal it so that it will be fresh for a little snack on my way to heaven. I’ll pop the popcorn in the old manner - in a pot on the stove - in Crisco or Lard. Then I will drench that in butter and add salt. That will be my farewell treat.

Oh, but what if I am Left Behind to suffer hell-on-Earth in the post-apocalyptic world after the Rapture? Well, I can still use the popcorn to watch all the good, obedient people ascending to heaven. Then the dead sinners are supposed to have their remains strewn about the earth in a horrific manner as their souls are banished to hell.

Okay, I’ll need more than some popcorn for that. When the encore starts with the sinful people, I’ll get out the Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream. Mmmm-mmm-mmm. Then I’ll take a nap before the zombies arrive. (They’re kind of slow.)

After my nap, I’ll have my version of an Effen vodka cocktail (Effen vodka mixed with Mike’s Hard lemonade). Okay, maybe two of those. I’ll pour one into my travel flask for the road. Hmm… I think I’ll just put the Effen vodka in my fanny pack, too. No need for that to go to waste, and I just might need it for a burst of courage along my journey. Then I’ll grab my 9mm, grab the extra bullets and clips, strap the gun into my holster and place the extra bullets/clips in my cargo pants pockets. Oh – better grab the shotgun, too and a couple handfuls of cartridges. And oh yeah, I’d better grab my wicked-looking hunting knife and slide the sheath onto my gun belt. I’ve already got water, beef jerky, a sandwich and Fannie Mae chocolate truffles in my fanny pack. I’m going to seek out the nearest hardened civilian shelter that does not contain zombies.

If you would like to be prepared, the Center for Disease Control has a zombie preparedness guide on its website here. No Joke! Note that I did not follow their instructions to the letter.

I think I should weigh the pros and cons of Rapture vs. “The Alternative”, so… Rapture: ascending into heaven with no more worries, pain, doubt, or suffering of any kind. I would float blithely and weightlessly in the heavenly breeze. (No need for dieting ever again, yaay!) I could play exciting games with the angels and I would get to help sing those glorious heavenly choir music bars when needed for commercials and movies. You know the ones. They’re the heavenly choir voices you hear when the clouds part and a glorious sun shines down from the heavens upon the land. The Left Behind will need that more than ever now. I get all this while experiencing euphoria each day, just by being in the constant presence of the Lord. Sounds like a great deal to me. I’m likin’ it.

Left Behind: The Great Tribulation begins. Doom, gloom and woe envelop your soul in undeniably-hungering darkness every moment, sucking the joy out of everything you encounter, including your memories and dreams. The darkness nourishes itself upon your soul – sometimes taking a nibble, sometimes biting off a big chunk. That darkness will continue its leisurely feast upon your soul until you are either dead, or you have filled what’s left of your soul with light.

Cigarette smoking is encouraged and you are seen as some kind of pariah if you do not indulge. Rush-hour traffic is great. You are encouraged to have at least one drink each day, but the more-the merrier. That mark of the beast on your forehead pulses with pain if you do not indulge in at least two vices each day.

You never know when fire will jet out of the earth and fry you to cinders where you stand on the treacherous, crumpled pavement. And don’t forget about those zombies. Walking is discouraged unless there is an absolute emergency. Then you should send someone who is not important. Tube-like walkways will be built well above ground for those who need to commute to work. The walkways will lead to conveniently-located transport stations where commuters will be transported via helicopter.

Then things really get bad. Horrific suffering ensues. War, famine, pestilence and wild beasts kill many. There will be a great earthquake. The sun will be blackened and the moon will turn red. One-third of the earth will be burned up due to a comet or meteor that hits the planet. The sea will become like blood, killing one-third of all sea creatures. A "star" named Wormwood will fall from the sky and poison one-third of all fresh water, killing many people. The sun, moon and stars will be darkened by one-third. The day and night will be reduced by one-third. Fearsome locust-like beings will be released from underground that only attack people who are not followers of Jesus Christ. These attacks will be very painful but last only 5 months. (Only 5 months? Well, Okay then.)

An army of 200 million horse-like creatures will kill another one-third of mankind. A 3 1/2 year world-wide drought will occur. The oceans will chemically change and become like the blood of a dead man and everything in the sea will die. The fresh waters will become like blood.

The sun will scorch the people on earth with fierce heat. There will be hailstones weighing close to 100 pounds that will crush armies that have gathered against one another.

Whew! The Rapture thing sounds so much more pleasantly enjoyable than the Left Behind option. It certainly requires less stress, physical exertion, misery, pain and danger. Hmm… Maybe I should allow a little more extra time in my plan for the repenting and the begging for forgiveness. Looks like it may well be worth the effort.

8:04 p.m. CST on 5/21/11 – Nothing.

10:45 p.m. CST on 5/21/11 – More nothing.

(Sigh) And I already gave that atheist guy next door $100.00 to take care of Alex (my cat who thinks he’s a dog) in case I left.